Devil’s Missouri Road Dictionary

Baltimore Strip: (n) The only through road (US 63) in Kirksville, Missouri. Characteristics include 10 traffic lights (in a 3-mile stretch) lacking synchronization, 3-lane (2 traffic/1 turn) layout, businesses and residences too close to the road to allow expansion, and a fresh stretch of sidewalks costing taxpayers $300,000 (including $200,000 from MODOT).

Clustertruck: (n) A mess of trucks on the Interstate with those in the right lane going at 10 below the speed limit and the passing trucks going 1 below. Inspired by a traffic observation on 16 March 2007.

Cruising Speed: (n) A speed between 3 and 10 mph above the speed limit.

Granny Gear: (n) A speed of up to 60% of the speed limit.

"It’s your ticket money!": Speed over 10 mph above the speed limit.

Kansas City Left: (n) The practice (by an minimum of three vehicles) of turning left immediately after the light turns red.

Kirksville Yield: (n) The practice of pulling out in front of moving traffic, making all other drivers crush the brakes. This practice may or may not include the St. Louis Stop.

License from Spencer Gifts: (n) A term describing a motorist with dangerous driving habits. Term is synonymous with "License from a Cracker Jack Box."

MODOT: (n) A state agency which funnels construction dollars to the Kansas City, St. Louis and Springfield-Branson areas and considers chip seal proper road surface treatment elsewhere.

Milan Traffic Fine Structure: (n) A system in which a speeding conviction of 1-5 mph over the speed limit costs $250 while one of 16-20 mph over only costs $150. If you intend to speed there, might as well do it right and go 80!

Milan Traffic Jam: (n) Lines of cars from opposite directions waiting on the lead drivers to finish their conversation and move along (notorious on the square).

Missouri Traffic Jam: (n) A line of cars awaiting a chance to pass a tractor.

Misery: (n) A term used for Missouri by out-of-state folks, which accurately describes the state of the highway system.

Saint Louis Stop: (n) The practice of rolling through a stop sign or red light (commonly used in Kansas City).

Speed Limit: (n) The minimum speed by which ticket revenues may be generated. Signs posting such figure are normally considered excess hardware alongside the highway, especially in the Middle East.

Traffic Hindrance: (n) The act of driving between 10 mph below and 3 above the speed limit.

Viatologist: (n) Someone who doctors with a library of worldwide road photos and videos but loses the patient.